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This is like, the continuation for What is left of me. Its something I wrote like ages ago. I dont expect anyone to read this, i'm trying to get over my writer's block

Only the boxes filled the spaces in his now empty apartment. The boxes were sealed and ready to be moved; just the way his memories of Hyukjae were. Moving on probably means moving away, and although he is still not totally convinced of his decision he still was going to carry on with this. Kibum had found him a nice place near his own place. It’s cozy and fits for one. Besides, now that he lives nearer to Kibum he will always have somebody to depend on when things get too tough.

A few weeks after the funeral, he decided that he needed to get away from his old life. He spent most waking hours trying to fight off the ghosts of Hyukjae lingering in the place they used to call home. Nights were filled with endless tears of anguish and hopeless prayers for Hyukjae to come back to him. Their nest had become a terrifying nightmare; a constant reminder for Donghae that he will always be alone at the mercy of his fond memories and promises broken by fate. Too large of a portion of his life was made in this once happy place and he cannot remain here if he were to move on (which he has to).

Donghae was sitting on one of the boxes, staring at a space. A clean white floor stared back at him. Two weeks ago Hyukjae’s favorite couch was set there. He could almost hear his and his lover’s voices wafting in the room. Silently the tears rolled down his smile and he found his voice calling for the one he longed for, again. And the tears won’t stop rolling down. He hastily wiped his tears away and willed himself to stop the dread from spreading in his chest, before it feels too heavy.

The phone in his pocket started to ring, signing the arrival of Kibum with the moving company. He let the door open and allowed the strangers to help him start anew. As the last remaining boxes were removed from their house, he thought he felt Hyukjae’s sad gaze on his back. He bit his lip and thought to himself that there is no more Hyukjae.

Kibum finally appeared at the door, leaning against the frame. “Ready?” he asked, holding out his hand to Donghae. Donghae stared at the offered warmth and hesitated before accepting it.
As he walked out, he turned around in hope to see Hyukjae’s face for the last time.
There were only cold, empty walls and the warmth in his hand.

He understood.

we will never know the whole truth even when there's two sides of a story

 so i guess the best thing i can do is to stay away from it?

so recently i was shocked by a tumblr post i read about cyber bullying. happened to another kpop fan, more specifically a sungmin stan. i could not describe the feelings i had when i read the post. shock, disgust and dissapointment filled through me because i could not believe a fan would do that to another fan, and as i was reading, i could not believe that a person could do that to another person. and later, i found out who the supposedly leader was. i was even more shocked.
after reading her tumblr post regarding the matter, i am pretty convinced that this is all just a misunderstanding. a big, ugly misunderstanding which had cost people involved a lot. as a person who has no idea about what actually happened, i am going to stay out of it and not comment on anything. 
but these sort of immature fighting ought to stop. it sours the community of kpop lovers and now i see depressed people all over tumblr. this is not a laughing matter, seriously. 

supershow 3 kuala lumpur

 and i was there people!!! wooooootttttttttt *is not yet down from the high*
i'm going to write my fan account but i am tired right now. i guess i'll be doing it tomorrow. but that was the best 3 hours I've had 
and Donghae, oh my god, he is soooo good looking. seriously. nothing compares to the picture.
Sungmin too, he looks so much better than his photos. 
And I touched Kyu's arms and was surprised to feel his muscles because I wasn't expecting his arms to be that nice XD
will continue tomorrow. I need to sleep and getting excited will only make the process difficult. 

i'm flyin solo

i can't believe i did it


honestly, i am more than nervous to travel to Japan, cuz i've already forgotten Japanese for one thing and I'm not really sure if stopping over in Taiwan, even for one night, is such a good idea since i'll be flying on my own. I'm not worried about being in Japan too much, cuz my boyfriend is there and i won't be so lost if he's around since he can speak the language and what not. but it would be a problem if i'm going to walk around and get lost on my own, which is very likely to happen to me because i am always clumsy like that

This is unfair. When he came to visit me in Auckland he could speak English without a problem and there was a lot of Japanese too so he could always use it. I can't go to Japan and speak English demmit. =((( Lets just hope there are some who could speak Korean, shall we? XD

oh well. There's still visa and stuff i need to take care of. It's not like i'm going very soon anyways. I still have around...5months? since i'm going in May.
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a dear friend of mine who has been responsible for my Korean language development is going back to Korea. We promise to meet again next year in Korea but I am still going to miss her terribly. Because we are practically twins for the whole year.

we slept together during German class, with me poking her constantly. i'm gonna miss going to class with you, 쭌.

우리꼭만날거야 알았지? 볼써 보고싶넹...ㅠㅜ


                His fingers were aching, but he still couldn’t let himself give up knocking on the door. Not yet. He had been banging on the wooden surface for almost half an hour now. He was angry, and even a little bit scared thinking how he was shoved into the room before it was closed on him. But that doesn’t stop him from screaming to be let out. This is crazy, he thought . I am a twenty four year old, grown up adult and I am not going to let my boyfriend lock me in this room like a 6 year old for a fucking timeout.  If Kibum won’t let him out then who will? A guest is not a normal recurrence in Kibum's house. 

                Feeling the strength seeping out from him, he let himself slide down the door. “At least tell me what I have done”, his voice hits the wall and bounced back to his ears before the echo from the shutting main door resonates the room.  

P/S: this is plotless and pointless. i'll take this as a warm up practice for a real fictional writing.


this would be my first attempt at writing anything fictional but i'll post it anyway

so after months of contemplating whether i should publish my work in the journal, i finally am doing it!!! *give self huge cookies and pet self on the head*. go easy on me. 

Title: Whatevers left.
Pairings: Kihae, Hyukhae
Rated: PG
Genres: Angst

He couldn’t remember much about the funeral, but at the end of the day all he could hear was people’s  words of sympathy and meaningless apologies buzzing in his ears. The truth is, no amount of 'i'm so sorry' would bring a dead person to life again. He had always thought of them as a social requirement; you have to say you’re sorry when somebody passed away because it’ll make you look warmer as a person and people will like you.

                No matter how much he thought its unfair for Hyukjae to be leaving him breathing alone in the world (because god , he is still too young and they have planned out their lives so perfectly together and were just waiting for the perfect moment to carry them out), he still should re-map his life. The only thing he agreed upon from this whole ordeal is that Hyukjae’s mum is right, that he should move on. Hyukjae wouldn’t want him to wallow in self pity, to stop living just because he isn’t. anymore But how was he supposed to move on living his daily life when he’s going to do it without him?  Once the truth sunk in, he had so many insecurities flooding him at once. What should he do with his life now? How is he going to still live in their house (Hyukjae should still be there so he could continue calling it their house, their nest)? How could he carry on doing normal things when normal things mean doing everything together? With all these thoughts he felt himself sliding down the wall. He couldn’t even walk to the bed to lie down anymore as his knees gave out on him. As much as he struggled to, he was just too sad he couldn’t cry. At all. All of the sudden his lungs seems to be failing to suck oxygen from the air, his tear ducts wouldn’t squeeze out any water and his mind were too clouded by worries and sadness. He needs the other man, right now. He can’t go to the bed alone. He won’t.

                And then he saw Kibum at the door while he was too lost to even cry, with the cool face but his eyes were soft, so soft that it calms Donghae down just by knowing that he wasn’t so alone. He wasn’t the one losing; he wasn’t the only person who’s dealing with the similar out-of-the-world ache in the chest. Kibum was still here. He might not be Hyukjae, but he understands things without needs for words.  And as long as somebody understood his pain, he probably could share it, so it should be less painful shouldn’t it?

                In Kibum’s arms, he thought to himself, he will take whatever was left for him.


the song is stuck in my head

Beautiful by Lee Donghae
Korean lyrics credit to meiface.

You are completely beautiful
I just can't be without you, girl
You are completely beautiful
I just can't be without you, girl

처음 봤던 모습 기억헤요
수줍은 미소 어새한 말투 차갑던
하루 종일 그대의 생각으로
아무것도 가없어 (미치겠어나)

눈을 조차 없어
그저 바보처럼 네게 빠져 들어가
평생을 함께 발맞줘 나가
내가 지켜줄께 사랑해요 oh love

Cause you are so beautiful
숨쉬게 하는 입술 사랑한단 oh
Cause you are so beautiful
곁에만 머물러 (그대 나만의)

My beautiful, my beautiful, oh oh

시간이 흘맀어도 나이가 들어도
사랑헤 사랑헤 감사헤 감사헤
때로는 다쿠고
그대에게 눈물을주고 임을 맞추며

Cause you are so beautiful
숨쉬게 하는 입술 사랑한단 oh
Cause you are so beautiful
곁에만 머물리 (그대 나만의)

나만의 그녀 모든 줄게
영원히 너를 사랑해 oh

Cause you are so beautiful
그대 입술은 나만 바라기
Cause you are so beautiful
잡은 잊지 않을께 oh


You are completely beautiful

I just can’t be without you, girl

You are completely beautiful

I just can’t be without you girl


Cheoeum bwatdeon geu moseub kieokhaeyo

Suchubeun miso eosaehan maldu chagabdeon geu son

Haru jongil geudaeui saenggakeuro

Amugeotdo halsu gaeobseo (michigesseo na)


Nuneul ddel su jocha eobseo

Geujeo pabo cheoreom nege ppajyeo deuleoga

Pyeongsaengeul hamkke palmactjweo naga

Naega jikkyeo julkke saranghaeyo oh love


Cause you are so beautiful

Nal sumswike haneun ne ipsul saranghandanmal

Cause you are so beautiful

Nae gyeotteman meo mulleo (geudae namanui)


My beautiful, my beautiful, oh oh


Shigani heullisseodo naiga deuleo do

Saranghae saranghae kamsahae kamsahae

Ddaeroneun dattugo

Geudae ege nunmureul jugoimeul macchumyeo


Cause you are so beautiful

Nal sumswike haneun ne ipsul saranghandanmal

Cause you are so beautiful

Nae gyeotteman meo mulleo (geudae namanui)


Naman ui geunyeo mudeungkeol chulke

Yeongwonhi nan neoreul saranghae oh


Cause you are so beautiful

Geudae ipsureun naman baragi

Cause you are so beautiful

Kkwakjapeun duson itji anheulkke oh